Ya know I am always trying to be a better version of myself. Which let's keep it real, sometimes being a better version of who I am today seems very easy because I feel like I mess up so very often. Sometimes it feel like up is the only place left to go :)
One of the areas I really am trying to work on is where I find my security. I would say in the past I have found my security in my grandparents, my husband, my kids, and even in my savings account.
But I have noticed that more often than not I also have found security in the approval of other people (friends or actually sometimes just people I respect, okay let's keep it real...sometimes from people I hardly know...okay let me be more real than that...pretty much from everyone ha ha). Ya know what, I learned recently? The word security in definition means the state of being free from danger or threat. Uh, then wait a second, I don't really feel secure in seeking other peoples approval. I actually get nervous, anxious, and socially awkward when I am around the people I am trying to get approval from.
So then what is it? If it isn't security then maybe it is insecurity? ouch. What this flesh desires is to be confirmed as the very opposite of a failure, to receive a good job at the end of a long day, to have my kids well behaved so people will know the task of mothering wasn't wasted on me. But I am learning that this really is exhausting. I don't struggle with it everyday. I don't even know if I struggle with this every week. But when this particular struggle rears it's ugly head it can for real knock me down.
I genuinely love everyone. Satan knows that ladies. He knows that I, on my own, don't have a lot to give, but that with Christ dwelling in me the floodgates of love have been opened and it is through HIS love that I desire relationships and unity with friends and family. So of course it makes perfect sense that this is one of the areas I struggle with (am attacked in.) A people pleaser like me has a very hard time...you guessed...not pleasing people! But I am learning the "pleasing" I have been up to lately is really flesh motivated and lacks discernment. It is geared towards approval and the desire to love on people in my own flesh. So when the exhaustion sets in and the realization takes place that I can't keep the race up, then I retreat. Retreating doesn't feel like it offers security either :/ And any peace it offers is short lived. It is the mentality of "I will just check my own self out of this before I am booted out of this, and I am bound to get booted since I can't keep it up" That isn't me. That isn't the song of my heart. But it is exactly where the enemy wants me. That floodgate of love the Lord has so graciously placed in my heart is still in tact, but I am hiding out. It reminds me of the little light song. Satan can't really blow out my light, but he can encourage me to hide it.
I know some of you cannot relate to this at all. But this is my kryptonite. This is where it hurts the most. To be so scared of the very thing that brings joy to your soul. I am not scared of friendships. I am scared of losing them. But the profound thought, or better the truth is, I don't have to earn friendships. They require me. I have to be available for them, but not neccassarily in worker bee mode. Just real.
The Bible says a friend loves at all times. I am going to stand on that. I am going to believe that even in my absent mindedness, my crazy schedule, my terrible phone etiquette, my rambling, and forgetfulness of birthdays...that my friends can see past all of those things and really into the heart of me. Into the heart that loves them unconditionally, wants the best for them, prays for them, and yearns to be a better version of herself for them...and then I am gonna bask in God's goodness and feel that back from all these wonderfully amazing relationships he has placed around me and then....... truly feel secure.
ps I got me no friend drama...I have the best support around me ever! I just feel challenged to pay that back!
