Chains

"My chains are gone, I've been set free, my God, my Savior has ransomed me" Oh how I love this song. I, today at least, could play it over and over and bask in the grace and mercy that God has so graciously given to me. 

Isn't it amazing how different scriptures or songs can hit you differently depending on the season? I listened to this song after the passing of my Grandpa and could almost rejoice with him that his journey was complete. He was no longer bound by this world or the heart break it could unleash, but he was free. Free to LIVE in perfect union with God. 

I can remember praying for my Mom as she was on her journey of finding herself and getting back to who she wanted to be. Lord be with her, show her she is no longer chained to a lifestyle or way of living, but that she is free to run to your feet and be restored to who you created her to be. I prayed that prayer so many times.

But today, on a day when I didn't feel like even going to church those words meant something new to me.

I don't know what dealing with stress looks like in a "normal" way, but I tend to retreat. I will not call people back, I will find any reason at all to not show up for social stuff, I will not go to church, and well, yup, that about sums it up. Thankfully I have a terrific Godly husband who will call me out on this quicker than anyone. :)

So after we show up to church in my comfortable back row spot, I was so blessed to hear this song in worship. I am so thankful God opened my heart up to what He wanted to show me. My chains are gone...how reassuring to know "my chains are gone" Not only am I free from the bondage of sin, I am also free from worry. Recently I found out that my thyroid isn't doing what my Dr. had hoped and I am up for a potential removal. I know this isn't the end of the world. There are so many people who have had this surgery and actually feel better. But this is where my pride comes in to play. I don't want anything to be wrong with me. I want to go about my merry way and do my thang just the way I like to do it. Ain't nobody got time for another recovery or to not feel well. Or so I tell God.

God is drawing me near trying to comfort me, and I instead find myself sitting on the floor refusing to look for His glory in ALL my situations.

I feel even more guilty for my attitude when I think of those who are struggling with real disease and hunger. Then there is shame. Shame for feeling like a big giant baby who doesn't want to have to "go through anything." Shame for feeling annoyed this is even happening. 

There are other times when I walk myself through what all this might entail and I get scared. What if something goes wrong? What if they can't get my medicine lined out? What if I am rushing into this and not waiting on a healing?

With that also comes shame. Some believers will tell me I am not speaking life over myself. I am not supposed to speak those things over me. So then I go ultra positive like nothing is going on and some look at me like I am cray cray for not taking this serious. Oh Lawdy.

But today I realized all of these thoughts, whether they are the annoyed ones, scared ones, or thoughts of shame, they are not the thoughts I want to be focused on. 

My chains are gone, I've been set free, My God My Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love Amazing Grace. 

Today I replace any worry or shame with these lyrics. Over and over I say them to Him, and with a humbled heart I rejoice in knowing he is patient and loving enough to allow me to sit at His feet and rest in the fact He already took it all on for me, for lil ole me...

 

The Disease Of Discontentment....

When I read Goldilocks and the 3 bears as a child, I remember thinking Goldilocks sure was something else. Ya couldn't satisfy that girl!  Nothing was good enough. 

Fast forward and here I sit, perhaps a grown up Goldilocks. On paper my life is beyond blessed. I have healthy, happy, and cute (I may be slightly biased) kids, a husband who is patient and kind, loving friends, a roof, food, and the list carries on. Yet when I really take inventory of my thought life I am embarrassed, or really let's just say ashamed, at how very little I really thank God for these things.  Instead, a lot of my thought life is focused on what I need to work on more or on what I am lacking.

Isn't if funny how I have actually thought that the stars and moon will align and everything will all be checked off my list one day? 

But what a relief,  it's normal to battle the flesh. I heard something the other day that really hit home. It was in Phillipians 4:11-12. Paul was talking about LEARNING to be content. He also says that he knows how to be content with a little or a lot. What??!!! So that means there is hope for me. :) Being content doesn't mean I will never be challenged to change, it means that I am patient and working towards goals and not in a total tizzy when things aren't lined up.

So, in being very transparent, here are some thoughts that lead to discontent that I personally battle

-"There are so many people who volunteer more at church than I do, I should volunteer more." Ummm ya like how in comparing myself to everyone I just decided what the Lord was calling me to without even seeking Him? The problem with this is if I am not being called beyond where God has me now, I am getting in the way of who He is calling and I am burnt out and really not a whole lot of good to where I volunteered.

-"Everyone is making all these yummy new foods and crazy projects on pinterest, I am so behind!" This comparison has caused me to make a lot of dinners my kids and husband don't like, spend more money than I needed to, and then realize in the end I am just not that crafty. And ya know what thats okay!

-"I workout all the time and so and so doesn't even move and is way thinner than me. What in the world?" This comparison causes usually two things. I work out more and more til I am and dog tired, and then eat too many cookies. :)

Those are just a few of the seemingly suttle thoughts that creep their way into my heart and, really unknowingly, have taken me down the road of discontentment. Once I go down that road, cranky and tired are just right around the corner. :)

We live in a world filled with braggy facebook statuses and selfy photos and it is very hard to not fall into a trap of comparing ourselves to others, but let me tell you, God made you perfectly you. I am at my best when I am in my house with books and boys piled around me. I do not feel insecure or wanting for anything. I love their expressions while I am reading to them and my heart is full and satisfied. It is my favorite time of the day.  I am content. I am learning/trying to carry this over into all areas of my life and realize that God has a plan for me. And even though some seasons might be harder than others, He is with me calling me to them. He doesn't expect me to be flawless, but willing. He doesn't care if every hair is in the right place, but if my heart is. He doesn't care if I have a spotlessly clean house and a fridge filled with Pintrest goodies. He care about how this house is serving Him. And and the end of the day,  I can trust Him more than I can trust myself.  When I take the focus off of me and instead turn it back out it is amazing the burden that is lifted.

Joyce Meyer shared that the Proverbs 31 woman doesn't eat the bread of discontent. It doesn't say she doesn't feel like it, it says she doesn't eat it. :)

I love that.

Confessions of A Former Gossip...

Man, I hate admitting I was a former gossip. But if you knew me anytime before I was around 21, you already knew this about me. I would hope if you have met me afterward, that hearing I am a former gossip is shocking and unbelievalbe (because I am so far from that now.)

I was never malicious or spiteful. I innocently, mostly, just spent some of my pass time talking about "what all was going on."  It seemed everyone I spent my time with did the same. Problem #1. I also was super insecure, and don't we all feel better when we are reminded/or remind our selves that there are people out there who aren't really perfect either. Problem #2. I also spoke without thinking. I love to talk. I love people. I love to interact. But when I am not thinking about what I am saying...well...Problem  #3. There are plenty more I could list, but all in all I think I just had to grow up. Or at least mature.

So here I am roughly 10 years later from that place and am so thankful I can look back on it instead of being in the midst of it. So I thought I would blog about gossip today so if anyone I know is struggling or has struggled we could relate and I could share some love. :)

For fun I looked up the official definition of gossip. Basically it is talking about people with unconfirmed details. Okay, yup, I officially was a gossip then. Bleh.

After I became self aware, I made a very conscience decision to never talk about anyone. Like. Ever. If I saw you in Walmart I wouldn't even tell Ben or anyone else I saw you.  I was still trying to find my balance I guesss. I kinda went from one extreme to the other.  I still am trying to find my balance with that.  I want to be honest with somone when I am asked a question, but I also don't ever want to be so honest I can be hurtful to someone.  I want to be a good friend and listen when someone needs to vent or talk through struggles they have. But I also don't want to get caught in the crossfire of drama. I want to vent myself and seek wisdom and counsel from my closest friends who love me and are able to encourage me. But I also don't want to go around spreading wildfires in the process of venting. I do not want to lose any ounce of the character I spent the last decade trying to repair/build.

So here are my guidelines for staying out of trouble and sleeping well at night

-If someone starts to gossip, change the subject.

-If you are upset and need to vent, that is okay. But check your motives. Are you truly seeking wisdom and counsel? Even comfort is okay to seek, but not at the expense of robbing ANYONE of their character.  I always try and make sure the friend I have decided to invest in will hold me accountable and not just take my side.

-Accept you will mess up. There are still days I walk away from a converstaion and have a Homer Simpson "doh" moment. But I always reflect and if I need to correct something or explain something I do it. Even when is stinks.  If you mess up, congratualations, welcome to humanity. :) Now go fix it. Apologize if necessary. :)

-The world doesn't revolve around you.  This was huge for me. Once I stopped thinking things were directed at me or about me, I became more postive and amazingly enough that helped drive me away from talking about "what all was going on" and really allowed me to talk about the real things in life that were happening. :)

-If you have a problem with someone, as akward as it is, go and tell them. I promise it will be more akward later when they find out you have told everyone in the county about your problem with them. Trust me on this one.

-Be prepared that what comes out of your mouth cannot go back in. If you aren't prepared to own up to it later, save it for your dear diary. :)

-Lastly, if you are talked about I know it hurts. Really. But give the same grace to someone that you would expect to be given to you and look at it as an opportunity to build a loving relationship. :) That saying "hurt people hurt people" has been around for awhile because it's true. But a wise woman once told me that "loving people love people."

I am still a work in progress and have so much more to work on. I hope this post doesn't seem like I have it all together. Cause I don't.  This is very different from my normal blog post, but it is something that I have wanted to share about. I still get tempted sometimes to dive right on into a conversation I have no business diving into. I still get tempted to ask somebody about something I have heard. But then I remember the book of James. There is so much in this book that talks about the tongue. It can be a blessing or a curse. I hope to others I am a vessel of encouragement and love. I hope if I am ever less than that, they let me know :)

confession

Ya know I am always trying to be a better version of myself.  Which let's keep it real, sometimes being a better version of who I am today seems very easy because I feel like I mess up so very often. Sometimes it feel like up is the only place left to go :)

One of the areas I really am trying to work on is where I find my security.  I would say in the past I have found my security in my grandparents, my husband, my kids, and even in my savings account.

But I have noticed that more often than not I also have found security in the approval of other people (friends or actually sometimes just people I respect, okay let's keep it real...sometimes from people I hardly know...okay let me be more real than that...pretty much from everyone ha ha).  Ya know what, I learned recently? The word security in definition means the state of being free from danger or threat. Uh, then wait a second, I don't really feel secure in seeking other peoples approval.  I actually get nervous, anxious, and socially awkward when I am around the people I am trying to get approval from.

So then what is it? If it isn't security then maybe it is insecurity? ouch. What this flesh desires is to be confirmed as the very opposite of a failure, to receive a good job at the end of a long day, to have my kids well behaved so people will know the task of mothering wasn't wasted on me.  But I am learning that this really is exhausting.  I don't struggle with it everyday.  I don't even know if I struggle with this every week. But when this particular struggle rears it's ugly head it can for real knock me down.

I genuinely love everyone.  Satan knows that ladies. He knows that I, on my own, don't have a lot to give, but that with Christ dwelling in me the floodgates of love have been opened and it is through HIS love that I desire relationships and unity with friends and family.  So of course it makes perfect sense that this is one of the areas I struggle with (am attacked in.)  A people pleaser like me has a very hard time...you guessed...not pleasing people! But I am learning the "pleasing" I have been up to lately is really flesh motivated and lacks discernment. It is geared towards approval and the desire to love on people in my own flesh. So when the exhaustion sets in and the realization takes place that I can't keep the race up, then I retreat.  Retreating doesn't feel like it offers security either :/   And any peace it offers is short lived. It is the mentality of "I will just check my own self out of this before I am booted out of this, and I am bound to get booted since I can't keep it up"  That isn't me. That isn't the song of my heart.  But it is exactly where the enemy wants me.  That floodgate of love the Lord has so graciously placed in my heart is still in tact, but I am hiding out.  It reminds me of the little light song.  Satan can't really blow out my light, but he can encourage me to hide it.

I know some of you cannot relate to this at all.  But this is my kryptonite. This is where it hurts the most. To be so scared of the very thing that brings joy to your soul.  I am not scared of friendships. I am scared of losing them. But the profound thought, or better the truth is, I don't have to earn friendships. They require me. I have to be available for them, but not neccassarily in worker bee mode. Just real.

The Bible says a friend loves at all times.  I am going to stand on that.  I am going to believe that even in my absent mindedness, my crazy schedule, my terrible phone etiquette, my rambling, and forgetfulness of birthdays...that my friends can see past all of those things and really into the heart of me.  Into the heart that loves them unconditionally, wants the best for them, prays for them, and yearns to be a better version of herself for them...and then I am gonna bask in God's goodness and feel that back from all these wonderfully amazing relationships he has placed around me and then....... truly feel secure.

ps I got me no friend drama...I have the best support around me ever!  I just feel challenged to pay that back!

jonesies

Well I hadn't planned on blogging for awhile because I just blogged not very long ago.  I am not one of those people that keeps up with this thing very well. Lord knows I have a lot to say I just choose to do it more in person, texting, facebooking, and on my phone. :)

But I have some things on my heart so this is my grown up version of dear diary and I am going to think it out loud here.

ahhhh...let's take this thing back to my newly wed days, okay acutally lets go a little before that.  I was brought up to believe and live like if you didn't NEED it...you didn't buy it. I was laughed at when I asked for a pair of doc martins and also when I asked if I could go to Kanakuk.  I knew we weren't in debt and I knew they could have afforded those things, but it wasn't until I got older that I realized they weren't in debt because they didn't splurge all the time. Don't get me wrong I always had everything I needed and more, but I got told no more than I got told yes.

I loved my grandparents instilling that in me.  I loved that they cared enough about me to tell me no.
I lived this way for most of our (almost 13 year) marriage. I can remember Ben and I talking about that magic number.  If he just made $this much, we would be so wonderful.  Listen, we couldn't even stop and buy a pop for $1 certain times in our marriage, so my goals were really not that high.  Well fast forward and he finally got to that dream number.  Okay, we said, we will never ever live beyond this. Ever. We will live like we do now and retire happily one day.  Insert reality and lack of self discipline here. Then throw in a couple extra kids, car problems, health bills, and you have your self a dead dream.

Now don't get me wrong I have picked up plenty of odd jobs here and there to cushion any financial strains we have felt as a family, but the one thing that has slowly drifted is that small yet very reasonable voice I used to have of "deny yourself."

I have never had designer sunglasses, purses, or even a diamond ring to wear, BUT I do drive a nice vehicle, buy my kids way too much junk, run into the store and throw stuff in the cart without noticing how much it is all adding up to, drive around too much, I don't say no to invitations to go out to eat even though we already have indulged too much.... you get the picture I am sure.

And let me say that Ben has done a wonderful job taking care of the kids and I.  I am so proud of his work through college, his entry level position he had right out of college, and his promotions.  And that is the thing, with his salary we should be seriously achieving some goals here. We do the basics (retirement, small saving), but I am challenged and ready to go beyond that.

I am amazed and saddened at how far I have drifted from who I was brought up to be.  I know what the saying "keeping up with the jones" means, I never really thought of myself as someone who did that.  But I am realizing it isn't just about the big fancy homes, cars, trips, etc.  I have bought into the lie that I NEED a smart phone (yes I said it, I know half of you are chalking me up as lost her marbles crazy, and I understand that in 2012 it is shocking to realize Dana doesn't NEED a smartphone), my kids NEED to keep up with the trends, my kids NEED to have electronics, we NEED to take big family vacations, I NEED to run to the store to make some new recipe I just saw today on Pinterest instead of something more practical and that I already have here at home, the list goes on....(to my everlasting shame)

So I don't know where this takes me or how many changes I can make. I want lasting change.  But I read an amazing blog today that inspired me to take another look at my goals, my habits, and my spending.

I have decided that the Jones' are probably tired and broke, and I don't want to live like that anyways.


Here is the link to the blog I read for those interested...http://silvykehrli.blogspot.com/2012/08/preparing-to-stay-at-home-finances.html

Back To The Future

I love Pandora.  I grew up on country music and The Temptations, and the hillbilly in me is so in awe of how Pandora puts a special station on just for me, :) I also love summer time.  So you put those two things together and for a split second I am living in a movie scene with my windows rolled down while heading down the road like I don't have a care in the world. (or a kenney chesney video)

It is such a nostalgic feeling I suppose.  Even though my childhood wasn't ideal, it was filled with lots of wonderful memories. (thanks to my awesome wonderful grandparents!)  Probably most of them the same as yours.

There was a lot of swimming, back truck riding, mud pie making, Garth Brooks listening, popcorn eating, lightning bug chasing days that helped make up my child hood.  High school was equally as fun. Once I got my truck keys I was out having the time of my life doing a whole lotta nothing.

I really did enjoy my childhood.  (thanks again to my grandparents) but of course I find myself now saying "I wish I knew then what I know now"

So amuse me and let me just get it out of my system now...

Dear Teenage Self,

1.  When you are 15 and hear a song strawberry wine and think the girl is crazy when she sings "I still remember when 30 was old" because you still think 30 is old, listen to it again when YOU are 30 and you will finally get that lyric

2. When you are panicked about what other people think about you, just remember they are all panicked too, wondering what you think about them

3. Your zits will go away. But have no fear plenty of other weird things will happen to your body. Even knees get wrinkly.  and IT'S OKAY.

4. MC Hammer pants aren't cool for very long, but that picture your mom takes of you wearing them will last forever

5.Don't let your anger or hurt feelings get in the way of building up others.  Your mouth is a small part of your entire body, but can cause you more trouble than you ever need to have.

6. When you mess up, accept God's forgiveness, claim it and move on.  You are flesh and all those people you think have it all together suffer from the same misfortune of fleshing out too.

7. Don't buy into all the songs and movies you watch now. True love is deeper than any romanticized scene in Titanic.

8. Don't watch Titanic with Ben. :)

9. Say thank you to your grandparents everyday for the affection and blessings they pour on you everyday. And if you disrespect them go to them immediatley and apologize.

10. Believe older people when they say you have the life of riley and don't even know it.

11. Ask what the life of Riley means instead of rolling your eyes, then at least you will know what they are talking about

12. Pray. Thank the Lord for everything good in your life and pray about your future and thank Him in advance for all the wonderful things He has in store for you.

Ahhh..Wouldn't that have been nice.  But you know what, I would have done some eye rolling and probably tossed that letter in a heart beat.

I am so thankful that I can look back now and see I have come a long way.  That, I guess is the order of events. I know my 60 year old self will one day look back on me now and want to share some major advice. But I am grateful that the Lord gives me a promise.   Proverbs 2:10-11 says For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.  


I know it is already working, because I didn't take Ben to see Titanic in 3D when it came back out recently  :)

I get distracted very... oh look a squirrel!!!

I have been meaning to blog, but it seems like there are so many things racing around this heart and mind of mine that I haven't been able to narrow it down to what exactly I wanted to say.

If you know me, finding just one thing to say is nearly impossible...so....

Let me start with Jessica Simpson. Yes, Jessica Simpson. ;) I was in Walmart the other day with my boys and the hubs when I saw a cover of a magazine talking about how devastated Jessica Simpson is with her weight gain.  It had a very unflattering picture of her on it, as well of one in her pre baby days. So of course you could look at the side by sides and ooh and ahh over the change.  Devastated with her weight!!!??? Um, didn't she just have a baby!!??? Ahh....I have so many thoughts on this. 

First of all, my heart is broken that my boys see this crud every time I take them to the store. I do not want them to get an unrealistic message of what their wives should or should not be one day. And another thing, when did our society decide it isn't normal for a woman to change after growing a life inside of her body for 9 months? 

I was just very reminded that attacks come in all forms. For me personally this is an attack.  I am so disappointed that I allow this junk into my soul and mind and focus so much more on my exterior than who I really am, my heart and mind do not belong to this earthly body.  They belong to my Creator,to the one who deems me worthy,to the one who is enthralled by my beauty (Psalm 45:11.)  

There is a song that I just love and at the very end it says "anything I put before my God is an idol....anything that I can't stop thinking of is an idol....."   If Satan can't get me with the certain attacks I have been able to defer,  he will try and get me with something else. And to my everlasting shame, I all to often fall into this trap and don't even realize it. So I am working very hard to make my compassion more bountiful, to make my words softer, and to make this flesh take a backseat. 

P.S. healthy weight is good, brushing your teeth is good (especially if you are in my face talking to me) I am not knocking hygiene or wanting to look like you actually take care of yo' self.  I am talking full on attack on women's confidence here.  If Satan can keep us focused on ourselves (either because we think we are awesome or never enough) then you are not focusing on the ONE who demands your thoughts.

So I deleted about 9,000 pictures from our computer recently.  :( I am so thankful that Ben knows what he is doing when it comes to this computer stuff (yes I am an old lady) and he recovered about half of what I had deleted.  I was skimming through them tonight to see what was missing and what was recovered.  On the left of the screen are tabs I can click with the years on them.  They start of course the year we were married…2000.  2000? How is that possible?


 I quickly was scrolling through them to of course hurry and see what was gone….when I found myself staring at baby pictures of Tyler. Oh my goodness I was 18 when this little red headed  boy came into our world. I remember playing with him endlessly.  I loved to tote him around and show him off.  Ben and I had no idea what we were doing. But we knew how to love on this little guy from day one.  He is going to be starting Jr. High in just a few short months.  How is this possible? 


I keep scrolling….oh my... there is the one of us bringing Benjamin home from the hospital.  What a precious time that was.  He had to go into NICU when he was born and our first trip home was with an empty car seat.  What a precious time that was for our family of 4 (at the time).  God truly revealed his wonderful grace on us during that emotional and sensitive time. Ben and I drew closer to one another and grew even more intimate in our relationship with Jesus.  As I kept scrolling I noticed Tyler was missing his front tooth.  That was the first time Ben and I had experience with a lose tooth.  I was laughing remembering how funny it was trying to coax Tyler to let me pull his tooth out.  Then it hits me that Benjamin has a front tooth missing right now.  That can’t be possible.  I look at the calendar and realize Benjamin is the same age now that Tyler was in the picture with his front tooth missing.  How is this possible? It seems like it was just yesterday, at the most just a few years.  I count…almost exactly 7 years.  How is this possible? 


Then I see some pictures of the 4^th of July.  We love the 4^th of July and in these pictures we have yet another little bundle of joy, our precious Grady.  And there sitting next to Grady our little Benjamin,  who isn’t even 2 yet. I remember those days.  2 kids in diapers, one trying to read to me for the first time, lots of rocking, lots of toys scattered around our entire house.  I remember feeling the only hope I had was to remind myself that season wouldn't last long.  Soon I wouldn't have to change any diapers. Soon my kids would be going potty alone and talking and picking up their toys.  And here, I sit, my youngest is about to start kindergarten. How is this possible?  


Then I see pictures from my Grandpas 67^th birthday party.  It was so hilarious.  We had George Jones playing, pin the dentures on the old man, presents, cake, family and just love and fellowship. That was about 6 years ago. How is that possible?


 I don’t look at these pictures too often.  But tonight I found myself gazing upon them.  The day of the birthday party was also the day of Grady’s baby dedication.  We made a commitment to raise this child with a Godly understanding, with love, we prayed over him that day and thanked God for his health and for his life. We acknowledged there was a plan for him, for all our boys, and vowed to pray for them.  We were especially grateful to Lord for walking with us as we had to take Grady to Children’s Hospital for his venous malformations. This…this was the time when God was performing miracles in our lives and we didn’t even know it.  Grady went to Children’s from almost birth to about 3 years old.  The doctors kept waiting for malformations to start. We kept believe the Lord would heal Grady and we would be able to tell him about the prayers poured over him and the goodness of his Lord. In 2010 they told us he was released to not need any follow ups unless he started showing any new signs of trouble.  I am reminded of answered prayers. Oh my even our visits to Childrens stopped 2 years ago? How is that possible?


 Then I see pictures of our empty house in Centerton.  These pictures were for a flier a friend made for us as we desperately tried to sell in a terrible market.  God called Ben to a new job.   He called our family back to our little sleepy hometown.  I remember these pictures and all the anxiety that came with trying to sell that house.  I cried, prayed, and cried some more.  If I had only known then God had plan for us. I remember Him telling me that. I remember during this time I was crying and asking him what we were supposed to do. Ben felt it was a very intentional calling by the Holy Spirit to return "home." I couldn't make sense of any of it.   I remember God saying to me “I have plans for you. My plans for you are good. “ What a blessing that we sold that house and actually made money. Another answered prayer. And a plan, a real plan that God had in place for our family...


 And then, there the pictures were.  Probably the real reason I didn’t look through our pictures anymore.  They were pictures from the slide show of my Papa’s funeral.  Time almost seemed to stop for me then.  As most of you know my Grandparents stepped in and raised me because my childhood was less than ideal.  I just assumed because I had a less than perfect childhood and didn’t really have “parents” that God would let me keep my Grandparents forever.  It was a hard lesson to learn that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  It was even harder to learn to be content with that.  It seemed from that time until just recently we have been on a treadmill in our life.  I add it up.  That has been almost 4 years. I still miss him like it was just last week. I can still hear his encouraging voice. I still want to call him and tell him what all is going on in our lives. How is that possible?  

And then I see a picture from this past New Years Eve. We decided to take it easy and just sit at home and enjoy a night of nothingness.  It turned into a night of being in awe of these precious babies God has given me,  a night where I cuddled up to Ben on the couch and thanked God for giving me such a supportive, loving, and encouraging husband.  We set the tripod up and took silly face pictures and talked about what our new year might hold. Our new year….and here it is.  12 and half years of this journey God has placed me on.   I am so grateful HE gave me the opportunity to reflect back on these wonderful memories.  I am so thankful that I was forced to look back on the story of us.  Our story isn’t spectacular or extraordinary, but it is saturated with a spectacular and extraordinary God’s love, mercy, and grace in our lives.  How is it possible? How is it possible that me, a little bitty nobody, was worth the most sacrificial love. How is it possible a big huge God cares about all these little details in my life? How is it possible that I go days/weeks/months without really getting face down in front of Him giving Him glory for His love.  I have decided that I am going to make a coffee table book of all these memories, these wonderful, irreplaceable memories that bring joy to my soul.  I hope that I can remember to enjoy all these moments that will still be coming my way.  I hope that when the next big thing happens I realize God has a picture already complete. None of these seems possible.  The enemy wants me to fall into a bed of insecurities and fear.  He wants me to question all the plans the Lord has laid out before me. He wants me to wish away all the precious moments I am given to do what I am called to do.  But the Holy Spirit stays patient with me and faithfully reminds me I serve a possible God.  A God who doesn't forsake me. A God who doesn't leave me.  A God who continually works in all the days  that make up the journey he has called me on....