mamaburns

So I deleted about 9,000 pictures from our computer recently.  :( I am so thankful that Ben knows what he is doing when it comes to this computer stuff (yes I am an old lady) and he recovered about half of what I had deleted.  I was skimming through them tonight to see what was missing and what was recovered.  On the left of the screen are tabs I can click with the years on them.  They start of course the year we were married…2000.  2000? How is that possible?


 I quickly was scrolling through them to of course hurry and see what was gone….when I found myself staring at baby pictures of Tyler. Oh my goodness I was 18 when this little red headed  boy came into our world. I remember playing with him endlessly.  I loved to tote him around and show him off.  Ben and I had no idea what we were doing. But we knew how to love on this little guy from day one.  He is going to be starting Jr. High in just a few short months.  How is this possible? 


I keep scrolling….oh my... there is the one of us bringing Benjamin home from the hospital.  What a precious time that was.  He had to go into NICU when he was born and our first trip home was with an empty car seat.  What a precious time that was for our family of 4 (at the time).  God truly revealed his wonderful grace on us during that emotional and sensitive time. Ben and I drew closer to one another and grew even more intimate in our relationship with Jesus.  As I kept scrolling I noticed Tyler was missing his front tooth.  That was the first time Ben and I had experience with a lose tooth.  I was laughing remembering how funny it was trying to coax Tyler to let me pull his tooth out.  Then it hits me that Benjamin has a front tooth missing right now.  That can’t be possible.  I look at the calendar and realize Benjamin is the same age now that Tyler was in the picture with his front tooth missing.  How is this possible? It seems like it was just yesterday, at the most just a few years.  I count…almost exactly 7 years.  How is this possible? 


Then I see some pictures of the 4^th of July.  We love the 4^th of July and in these pictures we have yet another little bundle of joy, our precious Grady.  And there sitting next to Grady our little Benjamin,  who isn’t even 2 yet. I remember those days.  2 kids in diapers, one trying to read to me for the first time, lots of rocking, lots of toys scattered around our entire house.  I remember feeling the only hope I had was to remind myself that season wouldn't last long.  Soon I wouldn't have to change any diapers. Soon my kids would be going potty alone and talking and picking up their toys.  And here, I sit, my youngest is about to start kindergarten. How is this possible?  


Then I see pictures from my Grandpas 67^th birthday party.  It was so hilarious.  We had George Jones playing, pin the dentures on the old man, presents, cake, family and just love and fellowship. That was about 6 years ago. How is that possible?


 I don’t look at these pictures too often.  But tonight I found myself gazing upon them.  The day of the birthday party was also the day of Grady’s baby dedication.  We made a commitment to raise this child with a Godly understanding, with love, we prayed over him that day and thanked God for his health and for his life. We acknowledged there was a plan for him, for all our boys, and vowed to pray for them.  We were especially grateful to Lord for walking with us as we had to take Grady to Children’s Hospital for his venous malformations. This…this was the time when God was performing miracles in our lives and we didn’t even know it.  Grady went to Children’s from almost birth to about 3 years old.  The doctors kept waiting for malformations to start. We kept believe the Lord would heal Grady and we would be able to tell him about the prayers poured over him and the goodness of his Lord. In 2010 they told us he was released to not need any follow ups unless he started showing any new signs of trouble.  I am reminded of answered prayers. Oh my even our visits to Childrens stopped 2 years ago? How is that possible?


 Then I see pictures of our empty house in Centerton.  These pictures were for a flier a friend made for us as we desperately tried to sell in a terrible market.  God called Ben to a new job.   He called our family back to our little sleepy hometown.  I remember these pictures and all the anxiety that came with trying to sell that house.  I cried, prayed, and cried some more.  If I had only known then God had plan for us. I remember Him telling me that. I remember during this time I was crying and asking him what we were supposed to do. Ben felt it was a very intentional calling by the Holy Spirit to return "home." I couldn't make sense of any of it.   I remember God saying to me “I have plans for you. My plans for you are good. “ What a blessing that we sold that house and actually made money. Another answered prayer. And a plan, a real plan that God had in place for our family...


 And then, there the pictures were.  Probably the real reason I didn’t look through our pictures anymore.  They were pictures from the slide show of my Papa’s funeral.  Time almost seemed to stop for me then.  As most of you know my Grandparents stepped in and raised me because my childhood was less than ideal.  I just assumed because I had a less than perfect childhood and didn’t really have “parents” that God would let me keep my Grandparents forever.  It was a hard lesson to learn that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  It was even harder to learn to be content with that.  It seemed from that time until just recently we have been on a treadmill in our life.  I add it up.  That has been almost 4 years. I still miss him like it was just last week. I can still hear his encouraging voice. I still want to call him and tell him what all is going on in our lives. How is that possible?  

And then I see a picture from this past New Years Eve. We decided to take it easy and just sit at home and enjoy a night of nothingness.  It turned into a night of being in awe of these precious babies God has given me,  a night where I cuddled up to Ben on the couch and thanked God for giving me such a supportive, loving, and encouraging husband.  We set the tripod up and took silly face pictures and talked about what our new year might hold. Our new year….and here it is.  12 and half years of this journey God has placed me on.   I am so grateful HE gave me the opportunity to reflect back on these wonderful memories.  I am so thankful that I was forced to look back on the story of us.  Our story isn’t spectacular or extraordinary, but it is saturated with a spectacular and extraordinary God’s love, mercy, and grace in our lives.  How is it possible? How is it possible that me, a little bitty nobody, was worth the most sacrificial love. How is it possible a big huge God cares about all these little details in my life? How is it possible that I go days/weeks/months without really getting face down in front of Him giving Him glory for His love.  I have decided that I am going to make a coffee table book of all these memories, these wonderful, irreplaceable memories that bring joy to my soul.  I hope that I can remember to enjoy all these moments that will still be coming my way.  I hope that when the next big thing happens I realize God has a picture already complete. None of these seems possible.  The enemy wants me to fall into a bed of insecurities and fear.  He wants me to question all the plans the Lord has laid out before me. He wants me to wish away all the precious moments I am given to do what I am called to do.  But the Holy Spirit stays patient with me and faithfully reminds me I serve a possible God.  A God who doesn't forsake me. A God who doesn't leave me.  A God who continually works in all the days  that make up the journey he has called me on....